Official Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — BRUSSELS We are monitoring with growing alarm the uncontrolled atmospheric emissions currently originating from private digestive tracts across the Union. These unregulated gaseous outflows represent a direct assault on the European Green Deal and threaten the air quality standards established by the Schengen Acquis. "The integrity of the European airspace begins at the intestinal level," stated Thandiwe Van Der Boom, Commissioner for Gastrointestinal Harmonization and Post-Prandial Stability. "Uncertified venting is not a fundamental right; it is a breach of communal tranquility." We view with suspicion the American 'Wild West' approach to flatulence, where lack of oversight leads to global olfactory instability. To address this, we have enacted the Digestive Emissions Control Directive (EU) 2024/702. This legislation mandates that all citizens maintain internal pressures not exceeding 1.4 bars and restricts the release of methane-heavy compounds to specific, pre-approved decontamination zones. Failure to provide a volumetric analysis of personal effluence upon request will be met with immediate sanctions. The single market did not build itself. Neither will compliance.