Official Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — BRUSSELS We are monitoring with growing alarm the uncontrolled proliferation of high-frequency syncopation and synthesized bass frequencies. The Commission views the irregular distribution of 808-kick drums as a direct assault on the auditory cohesion of the Single Market. Commissioner for Rhythmic Standardization and Low-Frequency Governance, Elara Vondel-Smit, stated: "The structural integrity of European cultural exports is at risk. We cannot allow unauthorized triplets to undermine the predictable tempo of the Union." This acoustic volatility represents a grave threat to the rule of law. Unlike the unregulated sonic chaos observed in the United States, we require order. Consequently, the Council has enacted the Sub-Bass Harmonization Directive (EU) 2024/772, mandating that all hi-hat patterns must not exceed 140 beats per minute with a maximum permitted rattle-decay of 0.3 milliseconds. Failure to recalibrate digital workstations to these specifications by midnight will result in immediate suspension of cultural subsidies. The Commission reminds all parties that solidarity is not optional.